Tag Archives: Election 2016

O Bernie, Where Art Thou?

Election day is finally here, and the fate of the White House and the United States as a whole is only a few grueling hours away. Will the nation’s people choose the soulless Borg queen, who is so cold and calculating she makes Margaret Thatcher look like the girl-next-door? Or will our democratic system prove to be a broken mess once and for all, historically electing the first Cheetos Puff into office? It’s tough to predict considering we ended up with the two most disliked candidates possible to represent the two (count them, two) major parties. Thus begging the question, what ever happened to Deez Nuts?

Considering I’ll be flipping patties for the next six¬†hours, I suppose I’ve been spared the nerve-wracking anxiety and sweaty palms that accompany this four-year tradition. Although I’m not convinced either candidate will accomplish much as el presidente, I still have my reservations. Mostly because only one of them would compel me to buy a plane ticket out of the country.

Those that know me well are already aware of my ideal nation to flee to should we decide to make America great again. For those that don’t, it’s a wonderful place where the idols are beautiful and the Wi-Fi is plentiful; a land of kimchi, and Starcraft players so unthinkably competitive they could probably beat Nike, Goddess of Victory, in a 1v1. This country also just so happens to have what may be the most comically evil twin living just across the Demilitarized Zone.

Do I really know anything substantial about South Korea’s culture, history, or language? Not terribly so. Do I have a tendency to jump into things with both feet and a devil-may-care attitude? You bet that sweet blog-reading ass I do.

So regardless of whose name you throw in the ballot box today, prepare a back-up plan in case your nominee of choice doesn’t win. A negative outcome for either party would be disastrous at this point. And if you’re a “Bernie-bot,” as my old man would say, then join hands in prayer, my friends. Pray that Bernie, the second coming, parts through the clouds and flies down from the heavens on the back of his glorious white steed. And pray that with his Progressive Blade of Student Loan Debt Forgiveness raised high in his right arm, he frees us from the two party system that has left us with the crappiest election in recent memory. Hey, if there’s one thing Bernie Sanders supporters are known for, it’s wishful thinking.